It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Randomize
