she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
