the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
