I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Randomize
