This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
