I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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