I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
This is not my ceiling
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
