Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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