Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
