Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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