When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
