Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
My cat gives me a boner
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
