I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
