i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He passed out mid-signature
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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