i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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