I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
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