i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
