dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
