Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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