I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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