not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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