I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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