Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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