there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
