Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The air taste purple.
Randomize
