Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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