Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
