I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
