it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
