Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
