so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
