Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
