i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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