Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
