Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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