it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
