Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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