I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
