he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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