i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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