totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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