just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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