i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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