i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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