I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize