We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I will pee on everything he values.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
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