I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
