I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
