this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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