as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
