broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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