My sheets look like a crime scene.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Randomize
