Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
