She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
