All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
