Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize