I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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