remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
