if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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