Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
